Holy Smoke - the story of the cigarette break that never was

2.45pm Tuesday 1 March 2011

Though process of a desperate woman

'God I am bored!'...

'What am I supposed to be doing?'...

'I need inspiration'...

fingers tap on keyboard.. eyes roll around the vicinity....mouth twitches from side to side("must stop doing that I am going to get wrinkles!")

I want a cigarette...

hmm...

'I really want a cigarette...'

'For God's sake, I haven't wanted one in weeks, why the f*ck do I want one now?'

I haven't smoked since the fateful fall, initially because I was stuck in a hospital bed, then because it was too hard to get to the door; and finally because I read smoking slows down the healing process (by that point I figured might as well carry on).

I haven't had that many cravings. I think I was substituting cigarettes with chocolate bars until this week - hmm that might explain the 3lb weight gain - oops. I did go through a period of being really irritable towards the end of the cast wearing period (at about 5 to 8 weeks post injury), but I didn't even think to reach for a cigarette, well there were a few fleeting thoughts that drifted like smoke clouds through my head - but I resisted.

But now I am in my second week of working from home, and the novelty of being back at the keyboard has abated, that desire to pick up the little white stick (Menthol) is so much stronger.

So I wonder will I ever be a none smoker, is it like being an alcoholic; you never recover, you just don't smoke?

I have quit before; once for a year and the second time for nine months. On both occasions I started slipping back into old habits starting with the odd social drag of a friends, then I'd cadge a couple on a night out. Then before I knew it I would be having a really bad day and I would find myself in a shop buying a pack. Within a week I would be back on to 10 a day.

They say it takes 8 weeks to break a habit, I wonder how long it takes to forget one. I can still remember what it feels like to light up, the shape of the cigarette between my fingers, the smell of the smoke, the feeling as the smoke drifts into my mouth ....

I fear it is only a matter of time before I light up again. Could really do with some tips!