Baby Broods

I would like to say that I have reached an age where I have learnt to be content with my lot; that I have an acceptance of what I can expect from life, but if I am honest, nothing quite quells the longing I have for a child. The odd thing is I didn't used to want children, they terrified me, I just didn't see myself as maternal.

Then I met someone who had children and the first time I saw him saying saying goodbye to them after we all spent an afternoon together something flickered inside me. Over the last seven years his children have became part of my life, and despite the tantrums, sulks and strops that accompany children as they grow that little flicker has grown.

When I held my god daughter the first time, breathing in that newborn baby smell, her tiny fingers clutching one of mine, that tiny flicker became a glowing orb deep in my stomach. I am embarrassed to admit that leaving the house that evening I burst into tears, I sobbed out loud with some kind of primitive female emotion, I can't explain it but I felt so empty after giving that little baby back to her mother. 4 years on; there have been plenty of babies to hold, I haven't cried like that since, but with each cuddle I feel my heart being singed by the fire that is burning inside me.

I experience family life every time we have my partners kids; I love seeing them, I care about their welfare, I even love them, but I am not their mummy! I wouldn't ever try to be; they have one already, she does a good job and they love her. Those children whilst an important part of my life are not a substitute for a child of my own. They will never be 'my' children!

The problem is that I am 3o now, I suffer from Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, it took my parents 10 years to conceive before they had me and I am starting to feel that time is running out.

I have got to the point where I dread opening Facebook, if it isn't copies of scans, it's cute baby photos or news about funny things the little loves have said or done. Every week it seems another person breaks the exciting news that they are expecting, and more and more it is the second child. Even friends who said children were definitely not for them have started to have families of their own. Whilst I am delighted for each and every prospective mum and dad, I don't like the constant reminder of my own barren state.

However the worst thing of all, the one that really annoys me is the adverts that appear on my Facebook account - today it is 'fertility risk factors', and '100% free baby stuff' but I also regularly get 'Are you a mother? try new baby products for free'. My status might say I am engaged, it might reveal I am of child bearing age and female, but nowhere does it say I have or am intending to have children.

I work in Marketing I know why they do it, I know I fall into the target age and status with a high likelihood of being interested in the products they advertise, I target the very same groups for my job (I work in the early years sector - I am tortured by images of babies and toddlers everyday) but for me it just turns up the volume on the ticking of my hormonally challenged watch.

Will I ever have children? I just don't know. Would I like a break from baby mania? Yes please.

Choosing a celeb restaurant

Right, where to start. A google search; there seem to be a number of sites dedicated to table bookings for fancy restaurants, I have to admit whilst these are handy to look through I don't feel confident booking through a third party.

First problem I encounter is that nearly all the restaurants are in London, I like London but it is a long way to drive and trains are pricey, if I am going all that way it is going to be for more than a night; making an already expensive meal even more costly as I have to factor in transport and accommodation.

Might be worth seeing where else there is closer to home, inconclusive results - nothing much comes up.

OK, so I will try searching by chefs; Gordon Ramsey, Antony Worrall Thompson, Jamie Oliver, Ken Hom, Marcus Wareing, Michel Roux Jnr, Raymond Blanc among others... who on earth do I choose? I admit I don't know the names of all the chefs on TV and choosing one just because they are the most well known seems silly, so a quick search for celebrity chefs brings up BBC Food, which has a pretty good A to Z of chefs.

I find that pretty much all of the big names are London or Berkshire based, there are however a few chain type versions of restaurants particuarly interesting are Jamie's Italian and Brasserie Blanc.

I looked up Raymond Blanc's restaurant Le Manoir Aux Quat' Saisons it is so beautiful; from the stunning period building and walled gardens to the delicate piles and twists of food on the plates but at £135 a head I think I might have to pass, no matter how many michelin stars he has I can't afford to spend that on food. Maybe I can get a hint of the experience by going to the significantly cheaper Brasserie Blanc, still a step up from the local pub but not going to bankrupt me. Problem is it still feels like a bit of a cop out, the whole point is to challenge myself so I need to find somewhere between the two!!

Eat at a Celebrity Restaurant

OK, its nearly March and I haven't started on the list yet. I figure that a lot of the things are still going to be difficult but I am determined to start living my life again.

Challenge One - Eat at a celebrity restaurant.

I know what you are thinking: How is that difficult? well honestly it isn't, but then most things on my list wouldn't phase most people, but I am a complete scaredy cat, chicken shit, nervous freak!

What could possibly scare me about a meal out?

1. What to wear? Since I am at least 4 stone overweight I never feel confident in anything, I know I could look better if I was thinner, so I put off going out anywhere never mind somewhere classy and expensive. Then there is the whole how dressy should I look; smart casual or dinner dress, the latest fashion or classic elegance?

2. Etiquette. Call for a reservation or not? Wait for a table or take a seat? Order at the counter/bar or from a waiter? Wine testing? Finding the toilet. Tipping. It's a minefield of things that could go wrong.

3. Cost. OK not really a fear, but when you are counting every penny (aren't we all?) and have been for 6 years, deciding to spend it feels risky; have you seen the prices at some of these places? And what if something happens and I need the money and its gone?

So there are good reasons for it being on my list. I am not just doing it because it might be fun and I have never done it before.

The next thing is to decide where to go?