Baby Broods

I would like to say that I have reached an age where I have learnt to be content with my lot; that I have an acceptance of what I can expect from life, but if I am honest, nothing quite quells the longing I have for a child. The odd thing is I didn't used to want children, they terrified me, I just didn't see myself as maternal.

Then I met someone who had children and the first time I saw him saying saying goodbye to them after we all spent an afternoon together something flickered inside me. Over the last seven years his children have became part of my life, and despite the tantrums, sulks and strops that accompany children as they grow that little flicker has grown.

When I held my god daughter the first time, breathing in that newborn baby smell, her tiny fingers clutching one of mine, that tiny flicker became a glowing orb deep in my stomach. I am embarrassed to admit that leaving the house that evening I burst into tears, I sobbed out loud with some kind of primitive female emotion, I can't explain it but I felt so empty after giving that little baby back to her mother. 4 years on; there have been plenty of babies to hold, I haven't cried like that since, but with each cuddle I feel my heart being singed by the fire that is burning inside me.

I experience family life every time we have my partners kids; I love seeing them, I care about their welfare, I even love them, but I am not their mummy! I wouldn't ever try to be; they have one already, she does a good job and they love her. Those children whilst an important part of my life are not a substitute for a child of my own. They will never be 'my' children!

The problem is that I am 3o now, I suffer from Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, it took my parents 10 years to conceive before they had me and I am starting to feel that time is running out.

I have got to the point where I dread opening Facebook, if it isn't copies of scans, it's cute baby photos or news about funny things the little loves have said or done. Every week it seems another person breaks the exciting news that they are expecting, and more and more it is the second child. Even friends who said children were definitely not for them have started to have families of their own. Whilst I am delighted for each and every prospective mum and dad, I don't like the constant reminder of my own barren state.

However the worst thing of all, the one that really annoys me is the adverts that appear on my Facebook account - today it is 'fertility risk factors', and '100% free baby stuff' but I also regularly get 'Are you a mother? try new baby products for free'. My status might say I am engaged, it might reveal I am of child bearing age and female, but nowhere does it say I have or am intending to have children.

I work in Marketing I know why they do it, I know I fall into the target age and status with a high likelihood of being interested in the products they advertise, I target the very same groups for my job (I work in the early years sector - I am tortured by images of babies and toddlers everyday) but for me it just turns up the volume on the ticking of my hormonally challenged watch.

Will I ever have children? I just don't know. Would I like a break from baby mania? Yes please.